I would like to report my former butt as officially missing.
Last seen: April 2006, walking away from my home, along side a laundry basket.
Recent sightings: in fall 2007 it showed up briefly after five months on Weight Watchers, since then, no one has seen hide nor hair of it.
If you have any information at all, please, I'm begging you, leave a comment.
These J Jill jeans have been clinging to the hope they'll see the light of day again for months now.
If you know anything, please report it to the proper local authorities. I don't usually use my blog for political purposes, but sometimes in times like these I am left with no choice.
It could very well be hanging out with mine somewhere far far away.
It is just hiding under that awesome batch of cookies… and maybe a few brownies and a cup or two of ice cream… You could scare it out of hiding with vegetables… or use brute force and enroll in some torture, er I mean exercise, class. Or you could let it hide a while longer and get a tasty coffee treat with whip cream on it! 🙂
you make me laugh!
LOL… I like Deb’s comment. I’m currently trying to scare mine out of hiding with lots and lots of vegetables and some Wii Fit action. AND NO WINE. I don’t necessarily recommend this course of action, but I’m down six pounds so far.
mines not missing, my former butt seems to have invited all of its relatives (cheese, pizza, chocolate, caramel, ice cream, etc.) to come live on my lower back!! wink!
“no one has seen hide nor hair of it”
First I laughed, then cringed, then a combination laugh/cringe. Now I’m so uncomfortable, I just have to walk away. Figuratively, of course. I can’t really walk away ’cause I’m at work. So I’ll just click away. From your hairy hide.
CZ, you slay me. *snort*
Hang in there. I’m sure you’ll find your motivation to get back into those jeans. 🙂
I think your skinny side was out there in “La-La-Land” with my skinny side where they hung out together, hoping to come home. Here is a word of hope….with diet and excercise and retirement (i.e., much less stress!!), my skinny side returned home and is now wearing those size 10 favorite jeans. Not to worry….yours WILL return with the proper inducement!
Just too damn funny. If I ever had a butt like that, I’d be looking for it too!
Tammy Vasser says
Love your blog and these posts just make my day! Your humor is awesome!!!
i am missing my former butt as well! not to mention that my former tummy has been replaced by a muffin top and then some! i’m thinking that hittin’ the big 4-0 has nearly sent me over the edge………
I’ll keep an eye out for it!!!
And I agree about Stevie-baby… man, do I wish he would record something!!!
*Take those jeans out of the closet.
*Decorate a hanger all cute to match them.
*Hang in a prominent place that you see regularly.
*Continue to work toward that goal.
*Following these steps will lead to the return of your former butt. In the meantime, it will be held hostage in order to prevent it from finding more Hostess Cupcakes.
Haven’t seen it but if you buy new larger jeans, you might forget about it. That’s what I do.
Ann Grounds says
You might want to ask Betty Crocker or was it Duncan Hines?? I think they have something to do with it.
Jan C. says
If you had it once, you can have it again.
Try “Callanetics” to go along with your diet. It’s an exercise program from the 80s that works wonders, if you can get past the fact that the leader is wearing a leotard, tights, and leg warmers, that is. Good for a laugh while you are dying from exertion trying to do the leg lifts and such.
Mine disappeared around the same time as yours. Statistics show that the longer a nice butt is missing, the less likely it is to be found again. We’re still holding out hope.
Laura A. says
Hang in there, Cathy!
I went back to Weight Watchers in January, after becoming a life time member in 2000, and two failed return trips in between then and now. It has been painfully slow, but I have finally lost 9 lbs (I lose a little, then seem to celebrate my loss by gaining all or part of it back!) Stick with it…we are in this for the long haul, and we will both succeed!
What a coincidence, mine went missing too; years ago. Then I found it. It had slipped down into my thighs:] Of course, I’m old enough to be your mother. Take heart, CZ, I know you’ll find it.
My butt had been MIA off & on for over 45 years…every once in awhile it comes home to visit…At my age, drastci changes were in order…I found something that works for me. Clean Eating…the only thing I don’t pay attention to is Canadian beer & “the captain”… so far 24 lbs & no cravings… I can’t tell you how easy it was after the first week… a little exercise helps too… the food giants have set us up for failure, oh yes they have… Happy day you sweet thing!
“hide nor hair” I just spewed oj all over my computer screen.
Madeline St Onge says
You are too funny. You are also lucky to have ever had a butt like that. I did maybe when I 5 tears old but not since.
allison Gottlieb says
I had a missing butt as well. I reported it, had a sketch drawn of what it would look like now, and lo and behold – it was right where I left it, attached to me…just a BIT bigger. Oh well.
LOL!! I believe it may be hiding somewhere along with mine which has been missing for about a year due to cheese, brownies, cookies, chips and chocolate martinis!!
Mine went missing until we added a golden retriever to the family. It is very hard to say no to those brown eyes when they want to go for a walk. A tired puppy is a good puppy!! Lots of walking needed.
It sounds like a lot of rear views are off on vacation together…mine included….
Please send my rear view home…I am really starting to miss it…..
Mine ran away when I married my husband five years ago. Must of thought I no longer needed to look good.
cindy b. says
LOL. This cracked me up! As someone who is trying to get into my ‘dream jeans’ I can relate…perhaps your butt is the same place as everyone else’s – hanging on some beach drinking margaritas by the sea.. 😉
Karen Ellsworth says
I’m reading “the pH miracle” by Robert Young. I think he’s onto something…good luck, I’m in the same boat. I guess its becoming a heavy boat…
Oh my you will get it back:) looooooooooove this post. I am doing weight watchers again. after about 5 years ago. trying the on-line version. so, my own behind friend will return:)
Joy M. says
Oh, so THAT’S what happened! Yours joined up with mine and I’m now carrying BOTH around. #$#@#$! You can have YOURS back at any time, Cathy. 😉
It’s partying with mine….probably in Hawaii somewhere.
Aw come on ~ you could be jiggling it at your local ….
… signed by you know who – your least favorite stalker! (just trying to help) 🙂
STEP away from your desk – do 10 squats – repeat 3x…
(gotta say – it was a good looking butt ….)
Marci G says
Mine called the other day to tell me to get on the treadmill…
dan zielske says
I don’t seem to recall why you were taking clean laundry out the front door. Was that when we did that clothing exchange where everyone had to wear the clothes of the people two doors down? Remember how Larry’s pants looked like culottes on me?
I’m thinking that the jeans are somehow the culprit..because Cathy, I too have lost my rear, and have these SAME jeans. (J Jill overpriced jeans how I used to love thee)I personally think there is some weird Elizabeth Smart style abduction that has occured, and the jeans are the crazy abductor. Somewhere is a desolate area the jeans are feeding my ass ho-hos and corn chips, and fried food..and keeping it stockholm syndromed into believing that it is living the life o-reilly. That’s my conspiracy theory for the jeans. Plus..the jeans? They won’t look me in the eye anymore when I pick them up in the closet. They just sheepishly turn away and jump back into the bin with all the other size medium clothes. So yes, I blame the jeans. Miley
Marlene Moore says
I am sure that it has lots of friends wherever it is…
I think my stomach is with it 🙂
I think it is vacationing with my missing stomach and behind and they packed a few single socks from my laundry.
Are you sure you are not a Comedian? When you go on tour let me know I will be first in line for Tickets!!
Thanks for the laugh Cathy!!
Laura Lee says
uhm, I believe it is next to mine…although mine has been gone since Jan 2002. I gave up the coffin nails though..so we do have something in common!
Hugs and hang in there…just buy a bigger pair of J jeans! LOL
Have you seen the newest special issue of Oxygen magazine? It’s dedicated to glutes and has some excellent (and simple) home workouts to help you find your butt. Just skip over the super sacry looking “Figure Models” (ewwwww.) and do some squats and lunges.
P.S. I was going to post about how funny and cute you were but everyone else already did that so threw out a suggestion to spice things up.
And is that the famous orange sweatshirt keeping it company? Intrigued to know why you were heading out with the laundry … 🙂
Barbie Schwartz says
Ha. I recently discovered my SIZE ZERO Guess jeans in my attic. Yeah, like my ass will ever fit into those again…that was 22 years ago.
Too funny Cathy
Chrissy L says
Just stumbled on your blog today. This is too funny … only because I can relate. Here’s my official APB for my butt AND my former waistline. I swear I will go to the gym tomorrow…
Pretty sure I spotted it driving along the coast in a red Ferrari.
You crack me up Cathy!! You need to be writing a column in magazines, just love reading your blog.
Christine F. says
Get thee a personal trainer! I am hoping that mine helps me uncover the small butt that I know is hiding in there.
Kathleen S. says
It’s retired. Got a more spacious compensation package. No more tight fits, no more memos on reducing overhang, no more watching the point spread. Let J.J. down gently. Her former pal’s taken off for larger quarters.
Jenny in Illinois says
I feel your pain. if you find it, ask if it’s seen mine
Lee i. says
LOL just reading your post and readers’ comments. thank you for making my day.
If you find yours, please interrogate it so that I might just find mine. I have been missing mine for a while. I started to think it was coming back months ago when I was on WW, but since I have stopped (due to finances) my good derriere has taken off and is most likely on the lam with yours.
Kathy F says
My Beautiful, Sweet Ass has been missing for 10+ years now….I am thinking of contacting America’s Most Wanted! 😉
Love your post, Cath! 🙂
I think your butt ran away with my abs!!!!! We need to put a missing parts police report!!!
Margy Eastman says
At least you have a photo to remember your skinny butt by…I think the last time my rear was that small I was in the 5th grade. Oh, and cute jeans!
THE best, funniest, coolest blog entry EVER! 😀
I am in search of certain rear view I managed to lose, too. Is there a place they like to go in hiding?
Those darn cookies and pies, cakes…if I could only forget about them all! Sigh.
Oh Cathy you crack me up. I think your butt must be hiding in the same place as mine.
Can you stand hearing it one more time? Love this post!
You go girl!!!
Caroline C. says
I think your butt must be vacationing with mine somewhere sexy – one of those “thongs encouraged” beaches in South America!
Besides the fact that this is another hysterical post. . .if indeed you ever do get WWerly motivated (serious here), please share the secret (to your motivation) mine is lost and while I haven’t totally come undone, I could spend a few less a.m. hrs. clothes hunting if 10 or so would vanish from the hinter regions
When you find your butt maybe you might find mine also. Over the past couple of years mine has popped up here and there only to go back into hiding. Recently, I had one as much as 3 months ago and it too is slowly going into hiding.
I wish I had all the answers as to the “why” is it is so hard to find it, keep it, and just leave it alone. I think it was happy right where it belongs.
I can totally relate! At least I take comfort that there are more missing in action other than mine. 🙁
It’s on vacation with my stomach and thighs. They call every now and then to torment me…