Did you know that if you want to look thinner in pictures, you need to be looking up?
Did you also know that despite the unbridled joy illustrated in the photo above (where indeed I am looking up) I'm really not feeling too hot about the scale this month?
Disclaimer: I am not in the best of moods as it relates to so-called Tales from the Scales. If you want sunshine and roses today, you may have to a) look up at the sky (so long as there is no cloud cover to obscure your view), and b) go buy yourself some flowers. Why? It ain't coming from me today. That, and I may use the word 'ass' in the following post. You have been warned.
Weight loss journeys are hard.
They are hard when you truly realize, "Ohhhh, this is how I have to eat FOREVER if I want to wear these smaller sized pants!"
I have had a lot of success since starting in January. A lot. Beaucoup, as the French might say. I'm not here today to downplay this in any way, but I do feel I need either a mental adjustment, or a full-on wake up call because sugar has been haunting my unstable ass since Halloween.
Side story: this past weekend, I ran into someone I hadn't seen in a while, and he said, "Wow. You're looking thin."
What is it about such a comment that'll make you stop everything you're doing/thinking/believing to reply, "What? Really? Awww. Nooo. Really? THANK YOU!"?
I inject this little story only to let you know I am aware that I've lost a lot of weight, and should be singing my own praises on a daily basis. I get this, in theory.
The part of me that doesn't get it in reality is the part that decided to stop doing Weight Watchers and just go to straight calorie counting. It's the part of me that is seeing the scale up for the second week in a row. It's the part of me that knows deep down that points and calories really don't measure up equally. It's the part of me that knows I'm on a dangerous precipice right now and not so far down below are the white sugar-sanded beaches. And the mini donuts. And the sex muffins. And the Lays. And the Sprite.
All waiting for me to fail.
But I keep reminding myself that things are different this time. For one, I exercise. For two, I look forward to said exercise. I need to keep reminding myself that I don't have to follow the same pattern I've followed twice before, when I lost weight, only to gain it back and then some.
And even if I did, would that make me a bad person? Deep down, in my core?
What the hell is wrong with my female thinking when part of me says, "Well, not technically…but maybe just a little bit."?
Why does being lighter make me feel prettier, happier, more successful, more in control—more…you name it?
This is all coming in the wake of the Halloween sugar fest that I'm still not quite ready to kiss goodbye. It's all coming in the wake of a 4.4-pound shift in my weight over a 7-day period. It's all coming in the wake of the fear that I'm slipping up.
I share the good, the bad and the ugly on this trip. Not that I'm buttering you up for my imminent failure, but I get a lot of email from women like me who are finding inspiration through these Tales posts, and I just want to make sure I'm presenting a fair and balanced story.
Believe me, I'm no fitness guru. I will admit that when Oprah's weight goes back up, I always feel just a bit more connected to her. See! It IS hard. It's not just my imagination! That somehow, if she fails, it's okay for me to slip up too.
I'm no Oprah either, but I do shoulder the sense that I'm not just letting myself down if I backslide, but all of you who've come to read and comment and are working on your own journey.
Long story short: me, human. You, good blog reader.
Another month in the journey. I'm not as stable as I'd like to be.
But I sure as hell wake up every day trying.
Want to join in? Or document your journey? Or whine along? Or celebrate successes? Both the template above and this one are available at Designer Digitals for those who want to track their progress along with me. There's a Flickr Group as well, to share your pages with others making similar changes.
To read more on my journey of Eating Less and Moving More, all posts on fitness related issues can be found here.