It happens slowly.
One day, you're hovering around a weight that makes you feel confident, strong and successful, and a year-and-a-half later, you're not.
Today's post was not planned to be a lament. In fact, sometimes I hesitate posting laments because there will always be someone who calls me out for being a baby, and then I feel even worse about myself, and then I usually buck up and get down to the business of doing what is needed.
Maybe it should be a lament.
Long story short: remember that weight I lost working my little tushka off? It's almost all back. Almost. Not quite. Just about. Five more pounds and yes, ladies and gentlemen, we'll have a bingo!
If you've never had any issues with food or body image or weight, this concept might seem completely foreign and ridiculous to you. Up and down. Back and forth. Gains, losses and gains.
I was thinking about it the other day and realized: I'm 46 years old and this has been an issue for much of my adult life.
Of course, I didn't really experience it so much in my 20s because I smoked myself silly. (As if that wasn't an issue in and of itself, right?)
But since I have attempted to live a life free of nicotine (beginning at age 30, and off and on until I quit for good at 40), weight and food and body image have been an issue.
The whole body image issue, well, that's layered deeply in the minutiae of my personal development and goes a bit beyond what I'm addressing today. But the weight and food thing? Let's just say I'm getting tired of the ebb and flow for which I am fully responsible for inviting to the party.
In my Move More, Eat Well class, there is a lot of room for brutal truth. Looking at your choices. Spending time thinking about why you are making those choices and so on.
There is also room for support and comfort. I've been offering a lot more of the latter to myself during the past year. And while that approach makes me feel better, my yoga pants are feeling more and more like my wardrobe's Last Great Stretchy Hope.
Do you ever find yourself looking at people for whom weight and food do not seem to be a problem? (Of course, judging a person by how they look, well… that's a little silly and presumptuous, but bear with me for a second.)
I do this and I wonder a) what that would be like, to just stay the same size, enjoy a treat every now and then and not always seem to be on the verge of having to buy bigger clothes? and b) do they have just as many issues surrounding food and weight as I do?
I suppose that's going to have to be a rhetorical question for now.
I'm okay with not having the answers to all of this. Most of the time. There are still many positives in this process, the main one being I'm stronger and healthier than I used to be as a skinny, smelly smoker.
I still run three miles a pop. I walk just about every single day. I wear my FitBit and always shoot to log as many steps as I can.
Most importantly, I'm trying to work on the inside stuff, which I do believe is a lot more important than the shell in which it all resides.
Lastly, I try to stay connected to what is real and what is needed. And I can guarantee you my therapist will tell me that is that very last thing I'm doing on this particular subject.
Just talking out loud today. I've been feeling a bit heavy in more ways than one, and sometimes it helps me to write it all out.
Know what I'm saying?
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Kathy PDX OR says
SO know what you’re saying. Be strong. You are loved. Focus on the good and the rest will fall into place … if you don’t get in its way. <3
Hugs to you! I am going through the same thing!
I lost 40 pounds in 2010 on Weight Watchers. Kept it off 2 years.
I quit smoking in January and I put on 15 pounds. Just like that.
I hate it how fast I can gain the weight back.
But I am back at the gym, running 3 miles a day also on the treadmill. I can do it without feeling like I am going to die, and I no longer smell bad or cough. lol.
Yes. Hearing you loud and clear, and relating on so many levels. Thanks for being real. You are an inspiration. Think of all the good you do, that is who you are, not the weight. I keep thinking of A’s text to you. That defines you, not the weight. But I know how weight haunts and challenges our views of ourselves as strong and capable. Fighting that battle.
All so true… January was GREAT(MMEW)and February was a complete bust b/c life got in the way and I let it (traveling, work, sickness). AND, I’m glad it happened b/c that makes me more motivated for March and I hope that for the remainder of the year, February will be an anomaly – we will see.
Thank you for your realistic view
Thank you for your authenticity
Thank you for saying what a lot of people are feeling
I get it…
Sherry Coleman says
On the other hand, you lost five pounds and kept it off!
BT, DT and it girl, it’s just a constant struggle! I’m restarting today – I too have put on a few pounds from a 40 lb weight loss and my pants are getting tight again and I’m in another 10 pound range. So, I get it big time. And frankly, my whole adult life has been an up and down ride except for the years I didn’t bother to do the down part…:-)
I really think it boils down to staying present in the moment and acknowledging what you are doing, adjusting as needed and repeatedly telling yourself “I can do it!” over and over again. Sometimes it’s just getting through the craving moments.
You can do it, Cathy! In fact, you have proof you can do it because you’ve done it before! Stay strong girl! Also, when you get down to the weight you want, give away the fat clothes. OK, maybe keep a couple of pieces in a size up but make it so you’ll notice faster….
The quitting smoking thing is HUGE. I know this for a fact. Keep up the hard work!
Yup, yup, yup. Is there something about this short month that has us reflective? I am right back where I started 5 months ago. *sigh* I need to stop asking “why can’t I be the person who can eat anything?” and start saying “I cannot eat whatever I want, I must practice self control.” And so, I’m back to eliminating sugar and soda and back to planning out whole, homemade meals (and torturing my poor kids with lots of “weird” food). One of these days I’m going to make these changes STICK. I know I can do it. And truly – it’s not so much the number on the scale that bothers me so much as the way I feel. I’m tired of being tired and worn out. And my friends signed me up to run the anchor in a marathon relay in June. THAT’S a big kick of motivation, eh?
Rachel H says
Oh do I feel your pain/lament. I just met with a nutritionist last night to work out a plan for eating, based on food *I* can eat. I’ve put on 25 lbs in the last 3 years (coincides with the job I got 3 years ago), and I’m determined that those 25 lbs and their friends will go bye bye this year.
I felt chubby as a child next to my slimmer sisters. Of course looking back I realize I wasn’t chubby at all. I went from 130lbs to 110lbs in my early twenties. I kept that off until it slowly started to creep up to 120lb in my late forties. I am now 56 years old and 126 lbs. I would love to be 120 again. I feel good at 120 lbs. I realize that a 6lb loss is not a huge goal but as I am only 5’2″ 6lbs carried around my middle makes my clothes uncomfortably tight. I have always had to watch what I eat, always! I believe that keeping the weight off is just as difficult as losing it. It is hard! I too am tired of the ebb and flow because I know if I let go the flow will be huge. This is a life long challenge for sure.
Just wanted to let you know I was over here nodding, relating and wishing you well and wishing me well too. LOL I too lost a big chunk of weight a number of years ago and a frustratingly large percentage of it is back on my body too. I know that I just rebel and I have no idea how to stop doing that and I rebel against trying to figure that out too. Good for you for keeping the fitness piece going, that’s really a struggle for me too. You are a big inspiration to others and I applaud your transparency. Hugs!
Sonia S. says
Cathy, for me losing weight was about being ready. I knew I needed to drop the pounds for a very long time. I was experiencing health consequences from my unhealthy lifestyle. But I also knew that I wasn’t willing to commit to the effort necessary to make permanent changes. So I stayed overweight and unhappy for quite a while. But what I was doing during that time was building up an inner resolve of why this was important to me. I was learning about myself and determining what works best for me.
For now, know that are doing good work by focusing on yourself through therapy.
Peggy M says
Yeah, I lost 32 on WW back in 1995 and gradually gained it all back. While WW does make you adjust your habits, some of the fake food living isn’t realistic & I know that now. And I’m also 5 lbs heavier than when I started WW. But I’m a ton healthier now than I was then too. Sometimes, it’s hard to remember that the number on the scale is just a number. It’s more about the tale of the tape, which personally I’m not thrilled with those numbers either. Having lost that weight in 1995 I do know that I can do it successfully and I have gained so much more in confidence along the journey. As my WW leader always said “you don’t get cured in this process.” And appropriately, I found this in my inbox today: http://www.beingprimal.com/how-to-rein-in-guilt-after-a-dietary-meltdown
“Most importantly, I’m trying to work on the inside stuff, which I do believe is a lot more important than the shell in which it all resides.”
Yep, this is where I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The inside stuff was just the reason why my outside lived in a yoyo state. I was much more of an emotional eater. As God began to help me with the inside; it began to show in the outside. I agree the inside is much more important.
madeline St onge says
Cathy I need to sit next to you and hold your hand. I made my goal at WW last July and am having so much trouble staying there. And I am almost 64 and have been dealing with weight issues all my life. I just love food and love to eat. Sometime I wonder why I even bother going to WW but know that if I don’t I am really going to be in trouble
Hang in there sweetie
You are not alone in this boat. In fact, I’m sure it is the size of the Tiranic! My mother is one of those same weight all your life people. She buys a regular size bag of M&MS and eats on it for three days. Seriously? I’m not out of the gas station parking lot and those babies are out of the bag and on their way to my hips. Life is good. Hang in there. You are a terrific role model and your family is lucky to be with you on your journey.
Know what you mean? I am what you mean. Turning 46 today, as a matter of fact, having lost 50 pounds several years ago and sitting with all but 10 of it back on right now. It’s ironic to me that soft, squishy fat is so TOUCH to break through, to get to the inside and the root of the matter. Chin up,girl. You are an insightful, funny wonderful mom and wife and I can tell that just from your blog. Keep doing what you are doing and take care of you.
Paige S. says
I hear you, loud and clear. Experiencing some of the same issues, too. I am determined to be fit and healthy, whether I’m at my goal weight or not. We can do this!
Regaining any weight lost by deliberate effort sucks pond water.
This I know.
Anyone who works to get nourishment and exercise and fitness and health in balance is brave.
You are super-duper-brave because you talk about it publicly!!!
I love your honesty. I look at you and think you have it all together. Your smart and funny. The way you talk about your husband and the love you have for him is what I envy the most. You seem so real like I know you personally – all other blogs I have read about scrapbooking sound fairly phony. I know that they dont share everything, but that is what I like about you. Its not all rainbows and butterflies!
Right there with you! MMEW off to good start in January, but February, um, not so good. Keep making excuses..midwest winter weight (gain 10lbs), and right now the sugar has been winning.
Watched your feb video boost yesterday…worked on MMEW pages, and this wonderful post is making me refocus, re-commit. Also doing Ali’s OLW, so Feb was creating a vision board. Make another one just with healthy foods and words and posted in the kitchen….
’when you’re deep within a difficult challenge, visualize yourself rising above it. See the way through, then follow it.
Thanks for keeping it real! YES to MMEW!
Chris H says
Cathy, and others….
You all speak to the struggle of my life. I found a way that has worked wonders for me. Maybe I can inspire…I’ve commented before, but not recently. A few things have changed my life…
First, my head is in the game. Big Time. The inside is great, so the outside follows.
That being said, nutrition is the second thing. There is no easy fix for this, however I’m loving life eating a paleo/primal lifestyle. I really reigned things in by doing a Whole 30 in January. It’s so nice to eat whole, clean, delicious foods and not be a prisoner to the ups and downs of processed food addiction. I’ve found a good balance by stripping down to the basics then tweaking for my individual fitness needs and tastes. (ie, I eat an appropriate amount of carbs, healthy fats, and protein, but all in forms that are healthy and not leading to systemic inflammation and leaky gut)
Third, CrossFit. It’s not easy..the joke is it always sucks. It just sucks less over time. The mind, body, spirit connection is key to it…you have to dig deep just to walk in the door, and they take you down to your raw bare soul in less than 15 minutes….then you build, build, build from there. If CF isn’t for you then strength training is key in addition to the right amount of cardio.
My testimony….I’m the same weight I was a little over 10 years ago, and 3 sizes smaller.
You all can do it.
also need to add to the above..words from magazine on my kitchen vision board ~ “How many times has your sweet tooth gone out and celebrated without your permission? Try some honest sweetness instead”. (can’t remember what the ad was for, but, geez, I love this thought)
Angela Dennison says
I feel your pain! I am down in weight overall but nowhere near where I was before I got pregnant (3 years ago!!) and it’s a constant battle of willpower. Earlier this week I was feeling pretty good about where I was – my pants were getting comfortable to wear and I felt “thin”. Then last night I went to buy a bra. The worst torture ever! Standing in that harsh lighting, wearing only a bra and surrounded by mirrors!! I ended up coming home and crying because it was so awful! But after reading your post today I feel better knowing I am not the only one struggling through this. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Hey Cathy, first of all, i want to say thank you for sharing this. Lament or no lament, I know this kind of sharing requires being brave. And it’s hard to be brave, especially when you think you’re not “at the top of the mountain shouting your success.” but I guess that’s what brave is right? Doing it even though it’s tough…
anyhow, here’s what I want to say…I’ll try hard not to ramble. You are the reason I started my journey to health in 2010. Watching your journey (and also being aware of Donna’s too) made me finally say “Either I do this or I stop whining about it.” I’ve also had a “relationship” with my weight for all my life. I remember being on a diet as early as middle school and I was never ever overweight. When I moved to the United States at the age of 17, I was 108 pounds and on a diet. (i’m between 5.5 and 5.6 so 108 was a low number in this context.) I just always remember being on a diet. I gained 40 lbs my first semester in college (thank you m&ms) and the first sentence my mom said after seeing me was “you need to get on a diet.”
To top it off, I’ve never exercised. I abhor exercise. I was never sporty. Didn’t’ feel strong. on and on. Anyhow I read your posts all year in 2010 and finally on October 1, 2010, I decided enough is enough. I either decide for once and all to give this a chance and really try to lose the weight and get healthy or I am done whining about this for the next 40 years.
So I woke up the next morning and exercised. I haven’t stopped since.
I have exercised every single day since October 2, 2010. All thanks to you. Your example. Your encouragement. Your willingness to share.
And I also have (and am) struggling with food. Exercise now feels like once-a-day choice for me. I get up, decide to do it and do it. and then it’s done. Food is all-day-long I have to make the right choice again and again and again. It feels tougher. Not to mention all the associations of food and being sociable and celebrations, etc etc.
What I’ve learned is that I am not a moderator either. I can’t exercise 6 days a week cause I have this fear that since I hate it (even 3 years later I still don’t care for it!) if I quit one day, I might just quit altogether. So I will let myself do 1mile but not nothing.
And now I am trying to apply this learning to food. just this week, I’ve cut out all refined sugar from my diet. This means I can only eat whole foods. It means I don’t have decisions to make all day long. It means I can’t eat any of the food at Starbucks (except for the oatmeal with no sugar) but I can have my coffee and I can eat fruit and etc etc. So far, it’s only been 3 days but I already feel the relief of not having to continually choose (I know it sounds weird since I gave up all the yummy food but somehow i feel less pressure now.) and it’s not that I can’t eat a cake but it’s a bigger cause. it’s that i want to remove this sugar that’s clearly not meant to be there. so if there were cake with no refined sugar i could eat it. (lol, i know it’s messing with my own mind but it seems to be working.) knowing that one cookie will mean i make it ok to eat 20, it’s easier to just say “no cookies.”
and here I said i wasn’t going to ramble. sorry. I’ve learned that exercise alone won;t do it. the food’s been causing me to get some of the weight back and it hurts to have my good work undone but it also is a sign that I am not taking care of my body. it’s a sign of garbage in-garbage out. And I am trying to solve that problem, but not the scale one. Keeping it focused on “garbage is bad for my body” and not “i am getting fat again!” seems to be more empowering so far.
not sure if i had a point… but i guess more than anything, thank you for sharing and putting yourself there for the rest of us. for both the goods and the not-so-goods. I for-one am learning and growing from and being inspired by each of them.
really eat less and move more – the aging body does not need many calories and those healthy ones only… Hang in there. We can do it.
First of all, you are an inspiration to me and so many other women! I am your age and in your weight category. Like you I have spent most of my adult life wanting to be thinner. 15 years and 25 pounds ago I thought I was fat. I would now kill to be that weight.
But I would like to offer some hope. 5 years ago, my doc ran some blood tests. My blood sugar was on the edge of diabetes. That inspired me to spend the year moving more. Didn’t quite manage to eat less. So I didn’t lose weight. I gave myself another year to lose weight. I continued to move more — about 20-30 minutes walking a day. Again did not eat less. So did not lose weight. I repeated the cycle for 5 years NOT going to the doctor in that entire time because goddammit I hadn’t lost the weight. But a thrown back drove me to the doctor last summer. After getting scolded for not coming in for a general checkup for so long she ran another blood panel again given how close I was to diabetes last time. When the results came back it showed that weight loss is not everything. My diabetes marker had gone down! Not by a great deal but some. AND my bad cholesterol had gone down by a lot! And my good cholesterol went up!
Moving more (regardless/irregardless of weight loss) is surely doing a world of good for our blood sugar levels, cholesterol levels, etc.
Don’t give up hope! I’m learning to love my weight now. I wish I had 15 years ago. I would have dressed better then instead of holding off buying nice clothes until I lost weight. Every time I think about how I thought I was fat then instead of enjoying that weight and shape I could kick my current fat self. So now I am enjoying my current weight and shape and wearing nice clothes NOW. Reminding myself I am my harshest critic. And to keep moving!
You aren’t a baby. None of this makes us happy.
I started exercise again almost 8 weeks ago, after 18months of a torn achilles tendon/bone spur and a torn knee meniscus. (No I am not a runner nor have I had any known injury…go figure.) I still have the bone spur & knee issue but I figure the exercise will strengthen me when I am ready to go for that knee replacement.
I don’t eat junk; I eat non processed food and yet… all I have been able to do over the past 5 or so years is maintain my weight. My doctor would be happy if I were to lose 30+ pounds but darn…they just sit there, even tho I do feel a lot better. At 68, I suspect all I may be able to do is shift fat into muscle and really…that’s a seriously good thing. But I wonder where the skinny, skinny me of yore has gone!?!?
I just want to say hang in there! You have been such a great example to me. I love reading your blog posts about the weight issues and I appreciate your honesty. In a world where we see commercial after commercial about how if you would just join “this plan or buy this program” you would be thin without fail, you show the honest side of things. It is a daily struggle for most of us. You’ve been a good example to me to get moving and get some exercise in my life. Thank you for that. Hang in there!
Now THAT is a silver lining. Love it!
Wow. That IS motivation. Maybe I should sign up for a race. Thanks for your comment!
Happy Birthday, Christine! : )
Great ideas. I know there is a CrossFit gym less than four miles from my house. Hmmmm…..
Crystal Cook says
I have struggled with weight my entire life, not just as an adult, so I completely relate to this post. It is SO hard to not let it consume you, both the despair you can feel when you gain a little (or a lot) and the obsession that comes with trying to keep it off. I wish I had an easy answer for me and for you. All we can do is keep trying our best every day, and recognizing that happiness comes from feeling good about who we are, not what we look like. Although hey, Jack, feeling good about what we look like doesn’t hurt either. *hugs* Cathy.
Thanks for sharing, Karen. You know, the thing is, I am not really a moderator either. As much as I would like to think I can be that person. I know that sugar hurts my body. Its not even that its junk. It literally causes inflammation and pain among other things. Food for thought. Thank you.
I’m right there with ya sistah!! I worked 2 years to lose 30 lbs and with 6 months – 2 surgeries later its all back and unpacked its back to stay. It matters not what I do or don’t. Eat or NOT eat. Not eating is worse my body freaks and packs on 10 lbs in a snap.
No words of wisdom my friend except it is what it is and you do what you gotta do to make yourself feel better. Ignore the scale and go with what the ole bod says. AND act like that 30lbs is still off 🙂
Judy Sanza says
Can you see a pattern in the comments? Can I give some advice from a retired G-ma who was always a skinny mimi until she reached her middle 40s?
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Yourselves. I really think it has to do with the age of our bodies. There’s also a lot to be said of the food we eat. That nasty processed stuff. Why does it taste so good.
I just exercise, try to eat right and try not to stress about my weight and my tush and my stomach. I walk 2 miles almost every day, am very active, use some small weights, do some stretching, etc. I can do pretty much everything I used to do. I take no medications, am in good health, and look pretty good too. The best….no medications and no health problems. I do take a lot of natural supplements.
So, weight be damned, I just wear long shirts to hide it. I don’t give up cause I want to be healthy. That’s what you are shooting for…health and well-being…no matter what your size. In 10-20 years you want to be able to enjoy life and your grandkids! You want to stay young! Stop stressing! Do your best! Remember what you tell your children.
Fit G-ma Judy
Peg D says
I could hug you! I am in the same boat. Hate it. Hate that there is no finish line. Hate that I can remember how much I loved me 40 pounds lighter until my life turned upside down. Hate how I try sooo hard and don’t see a change. I too got a fit bit and it’s a bit like waiting for the odometer to flip every day. Love tht. But I can’t shake the pounds. I want to give up but then I read your blogs about your struggle and yet you don’t give up……
So I won’t either. Thanks for the inspiration.
debbie McIntyre says
Sounds to me like you just need to get on a plane and enjoy some girlfriend time. A trip to NC and a glass of wine with DD might be all you need. Take care of the inside. Sip wine. Recharge. Laugh.
I read many of the comments above, and you know we’re all in the same boat. We struggle with our weight and we get down on ourselves. A trip to NC is the best therapy, and now is the best time to take a break from winter in MN. Pick up the phone and get your butt on a plane. xo mac
One of the things I’ve liked best…and needed most…about your Eat Less Move More class this year is the concept of being grateful for my body no matter what size it is. As a woman who has spent the last 45 years feeling adequate and presentable ONLY when I’m fitting into my size 8’s, I need to learn to accept myself at size 14 too. I’m trying to internalize your message of wholeness. Thanks for your post today, you’ve hit another home run with me.
I just love you. That’s all. 🙂 I can totally relate. life is definitely a roller coaster. The good the bad and the ugly. Enjoy your ride!
Thank you for this. I have a long road ahead on the nutrition side and very slow progress so far after baby #3 (8 months old). I am, like you, doing fine on getting in the exercise (6 days a week of running, pilates, and some strength work), but routinely failing to make the food choices that will help me with the weight loss. I spend a lot of mental energy beating myself up about that, and then make a series of unfocused choices again thus still not losing the weight. I’m working on it. I have a support system to help me online and in real life. I am focused on mini goals and accepting slow and steady in hopes that it will be maintainable. In any case, I’m right there with you.
Cathy, You’ll be amused to know I used to look at you as “one of those people” who was the perfect size and didn’t have to deal with weight issues (little did I know)!! I’ve been a fan since your first book came out and “met” you at CKU in 2005. You just seemed to always look great, fit and trim and I assumed you never thought about weight.
I do remember when you stopped smoking and the weight issue became more of a topic in your blog … but I remember being surprised “you were one of us!!”.
I’ve been a part of MMEW since the beginning … and I know the weight will always be an issue. I accept that. But I will say the Whole 30 has been a good experience for me and I think Paleo eating will be my main way of eating to keep the post-menopause flab away.
I’m cheering for you to get back in the groove and find what works for you to eat well, move more and feel comfortable in the body you have. You go girl!!
Catherine A. says
Sonia, I couldn’t agree with you more. That was me as well. It took me two years to get in the right frame of mind. To figure out what I really wanted and to face the reasons how I got to this place. Now I’m able to throw out all the self doubt and false reasons for losing the weight. Basically, for the first time in my life, I was able to think… It’s not about what others think about me. I’m ready to do this for my health, to be here healthy for my family, and (gasp) be willing to do something for myself for once. I started my journey in January and am down 15 pounds so far. I’m not depriving myself and I’m building a new lifestyle which DOES include chocolate, bread and cheese! lol
Great post, Judy. : ) Thanks for the comment.
You forgot unicorns! : ) Thanks for the comment. I try to be honest here. I really do want to be as authentic online as I can be. Working more toward that all the time.
I keep telling that woman to DO some events in MN, just so I can hang with her. : )
its what I am working on every day. To see myself as a whole person. To try and understand why at size 14, im somehow different than a size 10 even.
Part of me is very close to knowing Paleo could work for me. Still, work is the key word. : )
Catherine A. says
Thank you for sharing Cathy. This was helpful for me to read. On my journey to better health, I’m trying to remember to make good decisions many of my moments. When I skip the one workout or eat something that “wasn’t the best for me” – I know that I chose to do it. It’s no longer a mindless free for all. I know that it’s not “cheating”. It’s enjoying life in moderation and I now know that the “diet” isn’t blown over one bad meal. It’s not even a reward or a bump in the road. It’s me living a life of balance. I know this may sound crazy but my 11 year old daughter was the one to open my eyes. Our kids work hard to earn good grades. They stay on top of their homework regularly. Push themselves through days they just don’t want to. She told me “I can chose to use a homework pass because I earn it daily by working hard. I may or may not use it but when I do, I’ll enjoy my night off then get back to work”. Purposeful living… I can’t tell you how much time I’ve wasted berating myself and feeling guilty. Why did I feel like I had failed over one “bad” day. I know now it’s not about bad and good. It’s about keeping a realistic balance in my life. Since January, I’m down 15lbs so far and haven’t felt stronger or more confident that I can do this.
Jocelyn Thompson says
I just finished a Whole30 on February 13th. It was very rewarding and yet I feel sad when I know that sugar needs to stay out of my diet. forever. I was a participant in MMEW last year and really struggled with seeing no results. I was exercising like a fiend and still not losing any weight. I ate granola, granola bars, yogurt, fruit, salad, all the “healthy stuff”. Not so healthy according to the book It Starts with Food. And I was eating ibuprofen and Mobic for pain like it was candy. I have degenerative arthritis in both knees (bone on bone). Too young for surgery but getting really tired of walking like an 80 year old half the time. (I am currently 47) I. am. frustrated. ….but I am not going to give up. I want to be healthy and have a great quality of life from now ’til whenever. By the way I lost 14 pounds on the Whole30. That’s my start and I am going to keep going. I know you tried that last October but maybe you should give it another shot. Thanks for sharing and always being so real! 🙂
Cathy, you have clearly articulated what so many of your readers feel…me included. I’m turning 50 (that was tough to write!) in a few weeks and I so wanted to feel better than I do. Then again, I’m turning 50…what a tremendous blessing. I think one of The Four Agreements (a real touchstone for me) is to “always do your best”. And that’s what I’m shooting for. I’m not there right now, there’s plenty of room for improvement, but I do find comfort in the idea that WHEN I do my best, I can let go and stop trying to control everything…like how my 50 yo body now responds to even a healthy diet and regular exercise (hint: it’s not the way I would like). I’m working on letting go in the best possible way. Thanks for sharing. Here’s to you, and all of us, on this journey.
Kim L says
I was one of “those” people, who could eat what they wanted, when they wanted. I too smoked, half a pack a day and didn’t kick it to the curb until last May. I told myself time and time again, that if I ever quit smoking (I know how lame that probably sounds, but I truly did not think I could ever quit)I would exercise to keep off any weight. Well, guess what? I did great for awhile, but then the midwest winter set in! Now, don’t get me wrong, I adore winter, but my motivation is down to zero and it is really hard to be motivated when you get home from work and it’s so dang dark and cold! Hoping now that the days are getting a bit longer, I can get my routine back in order. Thanks for letting me ramble!
Julie G says
Thanks for posting this Cathy. So many people struggle with food and body issues and putting yourself out there for everybody to see in such an honest way is courageous, helpful and inspiring.
I just wanted to address the comment about those people who can “eat whatever they want” and not gain weight. i have been one of those people for my entire life. I have never struggled with my weight. However, I have recently realized that I can’t eat whatever I want without consequence. When I change my eating habits to exclude processed foods and refined sugar I become motivated and happy. Although I have never struggled with weight issues I now realize that I have struggled with depression and did not know it. Nobody gets a free pass on eating crappy. Bad food choices will affect everybody even if it doesn’t show up on the scale.
Keep fighting to find your balance and maintain the health and wellness of your body and mind!
I hear you!
I’ve been walking, lots, trying to make better choices, and I’ve lost inches, but not a pound lately. I’m sore, I’m tired, and I’m chubby.
Always love your thoughts and honesty on your body image journey! You are inspiring to me, and so many others!
Hi Cathy, I am joining MMEW today. YEAH! I so know what you are going thru. Last year I lost 65 lbs (still need to lose a lot more) and this year so far I have regained 25……. I need to get back on track and hope that this class will help me get there. I am interested in the FitBit that you talked about. Can you tell me which one you use? Thanks!!
Susan A says
Reading your post and nodding, Me too. I have battled with my weight all my adult life, as well. I began running for me last year, and completed my first Half-marathon in October (first medal in my life!!). I was so proud. Since I had been running, and ate very healthily for the most part, I felt like my food choices/cravings were under control and everyhing was fine in the clothes-fitting, body-image department for once. Christmas rolled around, with all it’s sugar-filled goodness, and I fell right off the wagon. I am back to my sugary, then salty, then sugary cravings, and(surprise, surprise) my clothes are feeling a little snugger. Due to a snow day today (I’m a teacher–and LOVE snow days), I got on the treadmill and ran for the first time since Christmas Eve. Two miles run/walk. I felt great. I am hoping I can pull myself together and snap out of this rut. Cathy, thank you for your blog (I have been a faithful reader for many years now!). Your honesty and willingness to share your journey is so inspiring. Thank you for continually putting yourself out there. It really DOES help. Take care…
I use the FitBit One (the older model) but my daughter bought one of the little ones, the ones that come in colors and she loves it.
Check out crossfit mamas
It’s the WOD (workout of the day) tailored for women and can be done at home with minimal equipment. I just started this week and it is kicking my butt for sure! I would love to attend a crossfit gym, but here it’s $200/mo and I can’t afford that!
Susan Kopp says
Me and fat have been best buddies now for over 40 years after the birth of my first child. Slowly it has come on and fluctuated never resting at a healthy weight, just up and down. I have been working Weight Watchers for the last 10 years and would see some success then quit for whatever reason. I am still at it, going to meetings and refusing to give in but it makes it difficult when my son who is a chef and my hubby have a snow day. Dueling chefs making wonderful treats…..so made buttery, melt in your mouth shortbread cookies and the hubby made yeast donuts……..COME ON people…..are you new here? So luckily I have the points and enjoyed. Sugar is my achillies heel. Gets me every time. I do very little in the way of exercise right now, my knees are screaming at me but I am doing more each day so that I hope to be ready for Aqua Aerobics this spring. We do what we can do and life goes on. I have to LIVE with this so there is no hiding from myself when I pass the mirror. Now its not so much the weight that stops me in my tracks when I see my reflection, now it is my face……who is staring back at me and when did all the craters show up, when did my cheeks decide to form jowls and slide off my face. Its never ending this body image thing and one that I will continue to fight the good fight until the end. Giving up is not an option. Besides I love my smoothies and actually look forward to a healthy breakfast!
Hi Cathy, I am one of those people who is surrounded by girlfriends that eat like pigs and still look great in skinny jeans and bikinis. I, however, am not one of those people and it used to make me mad with envy. I eat decently, exercise when I can, get hardly any sleep, and have finally made friends with my muffin top. Because, psst, you know all those thin people? They have issues, too. Plenty of them, about food and life. And I also know for a fact that they would trade their skinny jeans in a heartbeat for a wildly creative son, an amazing teenage daughter, the relationship you have with your amazing teenage daughter, and a husband who is willing to stick it out through all the crazy. Be healthy and strong. Because your pant size? That’s a number that nobody, aside from yourself, cares anything about.
Tracy Smith says
I do, indeed, feel what you’re saying. I’m doing MMEW this year, and it has been so-so since I started. What you provide is great, but it seems like it isn’t getting off to the best start for me. I spent 2 weeks in January being sick (nasty stuff), so missed a huge part of my gym time that I had been getting last year. Now in Feb., I just got over being sick AGAIN (though only for about 4 days this time), but I’ve picked up so much work that it has seriously impacted when I can get my exercise done on a daily basis. I know I am wallowing in self-pity, but I don’t feel a huge amount of motivation right now. In less than 3 weeks, I am going on a trip to London and Paris, and I know I won’t be working out while I’m over there, so that likely means that I will gain back 2 – 3 pounds, I want to be able eat and drink what I want on my trip. Sigh.
Giselle Homer says
Spare 5 minutes to listen to & watch this Cathy:
Buy the book, (its on Amazon) try the regime (note I don’t call it a diet!!) and FORGET about dieting as you know it!! Michael Mosley is a well respected scientist & TV presenter here in the UK- you can trust him 🙂
Seriously, my hubby & I are doing this & it’s WAY easier than you’d think! We’re losing a steady1/2lbs a week and can still have all the usual treats on non-fasting days, even small bars of chocolate.
What have you got to lose, apart from chub!!! 🙂
Giselle Homer says
PS – It’s a healthy way to eat too, which I think will resonate with you Cathy!
Finally found time for the Feb video boost. We could be twins, both in size and in outlook. Thank you for forcing me to be honest with myself and always to recommit to health. Looking forward to Match and another new beginning for me.
Okay, I needed to read that. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing Cathy! Honesty is the hardest part for me! Being honest with myself, journaling the food each day, even the stuff I am not supposed to eat. I started last year to try to lose weight for a spring break and so I was not embarrassed in front of friends in my swimsuit. I only lost 15 lbs but that was the start. I’ve lost 30 total and am now at a plateau! But I work out with a trainer twice a week and she has helped me get stronger so I can now start running without hurting my knees. It is much slower than I would like but I’m am moving forward.
I appreciate your comments on your journey. It helps me to keep going and know that I’m not alone when I have set backs (gained 8 lbs in December and January). I am learning that attitude is everything for me. When I’m mentally feeling crappy, I don’t make progress. It is a trick to keep positive.
I love your blog no matter what you weigh!! 🙂
what is whole30?
Kathryn Benfiet says
I needed this post and all the replies. My Mom died 20 years ago today at the age of 52. I turned 53 last September and actually cried because I am so much like my Mom that I was afraid I too would die early. I am overweight and do have health issues. Have been married 30 years to the most wonderful man on the face of the earth who loves me, double chin and tummy rolls, just the way I am. Our daughter is coming home tomorrow after being deployed for six months in Afghanistan and surviving an IED explosion. The three of us are going to Disneyland and my first thought was “Oh I wish I was not so chubby for the photos we’ll be taking” and a friend reminded me that I have a daughter who is coming home in one piece and a husband who loves me. I have very few photos of my Mom because she hated how she looked and yet, I treasure every photo I have of her so I’m going to enjoy every moment with my daughter and husband and be thankful for the life we all have together.
Thanks so much for this post Cathy…you are definitely not alone in this journey of move more and eat less (and more healthy!)
Karen Peterson says
I didn’t read all the comments; I just wanted to make one comment to you based on what you said…you can run three miles at one time. That, my friend, is an amazing accomplishment and one that I am envious of. I am in the military and I am lucky to run my 1.5 miles every year to pass my PT test (and I am one of the older ones, so I get a lot of time in which to accomplish that). Just remember that what you are doing and who you are are both amazing. We are still amazing women, even if I can;t run 3 miles at a stretch and you are only 5 lbs less (it is still 5 lbs, lift that 5 lb dumbell and you will realize that is alot of weight).
Thank you for your contiued honesty. I quit smoking after 26 years and almost immediately found myself in a divorce and custody battle. Lots of snickers and ice cream later, I gained 40 pounds. Now down 12, I am simply trying to focus on health and movement. I don’t know why that doesn’t mean more weight loss (age maybe?). But I do know that I appreciate every bit of solidarity and empathy from my sisters in arms!
I SO identify with this post. In the past 15 months I have lost and then regained the same 30 pounds. It’s so frustrating. I too have spent most of my time from my late 20’s on with fluctuating weights and self-image. I feel like I’m just trying to find my way back to that place where I was motivated and feeling on top of the world. It’s so silly to KNOW exactly what you need to do to be healthy and fit, but just not do it. Us humans are so complicated aren’t we?
I’m a yoyo too. 🙂
I love my fitbit and it keeps me moving. I am, however, changing my relationship with food. I find any sort of dieting/counting turns my focus too much on food… What will I eat? When will I eat? How much can I eat? When can i eat again? It’s just too much focus on food food FOOD. So I’m simply going to try staying active, drinking more water (much more actually) and listening to my body when it comes to food. At most, I will ask myself if I’m making a smart nutritious choice to satisfy what my body wants. Just worn out with food being such a focal point.
I hope you can find some peace on your journey Cathy. I truly love your writing and the heart you always let shine through! The right fit will come.
Can you imagine men having this conversation? Ha! Great post Cathy – you always keep it real and that’s one of my favorite things about you.
I decided that 2013 would be the year I focused on health and set a goal to walk two miles a day, every day. I chose two miles because it’s doable – if I set a goal too high it’s way too easy to find excuses not to do it. So far I’ve kept the commitment to myself. That’s 58 days in a row! I have had days where I thought up excuses to skip (like my birthday) but so far I’ve stayed strong. I’ve even gotten up to walk before work if I had evening plans, and I am not a morning person! So far all of my walking has been on a treadmill (oh, Minnesota!) and I can’t wait to walk outside.
Thanks for getting us all talking; it helps to know we aren’t alone.
Lori Hudson says
Please, allow me to depress you a little more. My 77 year old mother is still battling her weight and calling herself fat. I think she has had an eating disorder most of her life. Even now as she fights stage 4 lung cancer she is having a hard time making herself eat for strength. I look at her and wonder if it we take take the weight battle and poor body image to our grave. Will I ever get to a point where I am authenticily at ease with my body and just enjoying life? It all takes such mental time and energy.
Just text me, Debbie Downer, if you ever need a reason to be sad. I’ll be happy to help.
Karen G says
Have you heard of IdealDiet.com. You may want to check it out. It usually is offered through a chiropractors office. It is a protein and vegetable diet. The best part is that because you do lose quickly, you have the motivator you need to learn to eat healthy. My husband lost 40 pounds and has kept it off for 2+ months. The best part is he went from having to go onto high blood pressure medication to his blood pressue being 114/78. His cholestrol is way down and he feels great.
I did it as well not because I needed to lose a lot of weight but because of GERD and hormone issues. I was addicted to sugar. I am down about 13 pounds and 2 pant sizes, and have kept it off for 2+ months as well. I know now a long time, but I feel so much better no addicted to sugar any more. When I do start eating too much “bad” foods, I know what I need to do to STOP that downward trend and feel better within a day or two. I am loving eating vegetables, meat and healthy carbs and fat now. When I start eating too much “junk” I start feeling yucky right away. I truly feel like my weight as well as healthy eating is sustainable, and at 45, as former sugar addict who wasn’t overweight but who hasn’t felt good in years, that is a great feeling. We all are pulling for you, Cathy, I think it is rare for any of us now-a-days not to have some sort of food issue.
Oh Lori, Im sorry shes fighting cancer, but this is something to consider. I dont want to be doing this for the rest of my life, the whole, not feeling like I look good enough thing. Not at all.
Chris H says
Wow, that is high Mandi…I know it depends on the area what the going rates are. We’re pretty reasonable and every affiliate is different. Some offer a punch card system or a drop in rate if you just want to go once a week or so. I look at it as personal training too..and it’s a little easier to justify that way.
Thanks for the blog. I love having resources like that for when I’m traveling or don’t want to leave the house.
Chris H says
Hi Cathy – just had to say a few words. Your post was great, in more ways than one. You are so totally honest, I admire that so much about you. You always keep it real, no BS, just tell it like it is. I need that!!! I think, as women, we all have some type of image issues. Unfortunately, that is a fact of life in today’s society. My youngest daughter is 13 and as I’ve struggled with my weight, I’ve also struggled to present it to her in a realistic way. Just keep in mind that the fact that you recognize the issue/problem, and are thinking on it, is a good thing. I tend to bury my head like a turtle in its shell, and I know I’m headed in the right direction when I do stick my neck out. I’ve struggled with a few pounds creeping back on (after a 133lb weight loss) and I admit, it’s messed with my head a lot. But this year I decided to recommit to myself, and my word for the year is REBUILD. I’ve worked some “allowances” into my “budget”, and that along with going back to what I know works for me, seems to be helping. Know that you are such an inspiration to so many of us, and we are proud of you just for being YOU. 🙂
Angela NJ says
I think I’ve read every post since discovering your work among my CK and Simple Scrapbooks pages. I have enjoyed every honest word you’ve written, every witty take on life, cheered your success and nodded in understanding as you lamented the challenges. Your journey inspired me to follow along and of the 35 pounds I lost, 15 have returned, primarily because I refuse to give up Dr. Pepper. I am one year older than you with a 10 year old daughter, and last year I got so tired of spending so much time exercising without seeing the scale continue to move. Instead, I realized that perhaps other parts of my life might benefit from redirecting that time elsewhere.
As I look back upon these past few years, I see a few other things you’ve gained along the way aside from a few pounds – a healthier you, a healthier marriage, two incredible children and a successful “brand”. I’m guessing you wouldn’t trade any of those things to be super-model skinny.
So thank you for sharing your thoughts, regardless of your mood, and remember – tomorrow starts your birthday month which is a license to lament all you want!
debbie McIntyre says
I think you need to hold a digital event with a small group. You know D would come to support you. Plus…I’ve been looking for a digital event, and love to travel to MN. It’s a win win situation! My best brainstorm all day.
You are correct. Wouldnt trade a thing. : )
There is a japanese proverb that says “Fall down 7 times, get up 8”.
This, to me, says not only that the only way to fail is to stop trying, but also that what matters is at the end. You are nowhere near the end. If it took you a decade to quit smoking for good, then that is the timescale you should be looking for. Keeping in mind that you get more direct messages from the world around you to quit smoking, but a plethora of indirect and mixed messages about healthy eating.
Keep up the good work! You are succeeding by trying and simply by being aware and setting a good example for your kids.
Jessica Flynn says
Dear Cathy –
I love your honesty and your willingness to share with us. You wrote you never got my (firstname.lastname@example.org) or Tony’s (email@example.com) emails but maybe he would still consider gifting you that free 3 month trial again. It’s worth emailing him to ask. Crossfit and Paleo eating have been my salvation. When you’re a woman, over 40 and fighting the uphill battle of the blub…it works! It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. You can live the rest of your life eating 100% paleo…80% of the time. Don’t think of it as a diet. It’s a lifestyle change. Real food that nourishes your soul and body.
Margy Eastman says
I’m right there with you, Cathy. Before the holidays I was about 10 pounds lighter than I am now with little effort. I almost wondered if something was wrong. Well, my metabolism is just fine. I put on pants and hope to God they’re just snug because I had the dryer set on high. But I really envy your ability to run three miles. When I’m getting dressed in the morning, I’d rather by skinny. But when the 40# bag of cat litter is kicking my butt or my little boy falls asleep on the couch, I’d rather be strong. You’ve got “strong” and have stamina and can play without getting gassed immediately. That is awesome.
julie m says
Amen sista! These words are so true. The most important thing for you to remember right now is that you are not about the number on the scale. You have been working hard to eat better & you are exercising more. You are working to make ALL of you healthy. I weigh basically the most that I have ever weighed. I can’t look in a mirror because….well I never could (you always end up hearing the childhood voices talking to you about how ugly you are, the blemish on your face….oh how those words from family members stick with you). I have been trying to take positive steps towards a healthier me. Eating better. I walked 3 miles today & enjoyed that fresh, crisp air. It wasn’t snowing so I dragged my butt out to the park. It felt good & feeling good is what it is about. You are encouraging us. I don’t care what size you are. You are giving us much more than what size pants you wear. Do the little things that make you feel good & healthy. Enjoy some treats every now & then. Enjoy the weekend. Go enjoy your family & especially yourself.
Pamela K. says
Oh Cathy…I feel your pain. I started a fitness/diet regiment last fall. I had a physical in early January and I had lost nearly 20 pounds at that time. Last week I had a follow up and had gained half of it back in not quite 2 months time. :-/ The good news was that the blood work I had done in January was great. And my blood pressure was perfect after struggling with keeping it under control for so long. I was on the verge of taking meds for it. So that was proof to me that you really are what you eat and I need to get back on the wagon. I think part of it is our age. But I agree in that what is going on on the inside finds it’s way out whether it is weight gain or bad habits. I need to figure it out myself. Here is wishing you the very best on your wellness journey.
Cathy, I AM one of those people who doesn’t worry about my wieght,and I am strong and thin (but definitiely NOT perfect). But I wasn’t always.
I had the same issues I read in your struggles (and some of the comments I skimmed too). It was a 10 year transition of my MIND and THOUGHT LIFE. I decided to study healthy, thin people (instead of unhealthy people) to see if I could “figure it out”. What they had in common, is that they DIDN’T THINK ABOUT FOOD. Or at least like I did. All the time, planning and consternating.
The other thing they did was they LISTENED TO THEIR BODIES. If they were really hungry, they ate something satisfying, but stopped when they started getting full. They may even want cookies, but could eat a half and not finish it, knowing they could have them whenever they wanted.
I started trying these 2 keys and they worked!!! Not quickly (years), but for the BEST long term health. Discipling myself not to obsess about food … thinking about it gave it so much power. I started doing exercise that didn’t feel like drudgery … hiking with friends, mountain biking, Just Dance … and variety when I start dreading something.
Then listening to what my body REALLY wanted/needed to eat, not my mind or emotions. I don’t limit myself, nothing I can’t eat. But often, I really do want a salad or a big glass of water. WARNING: NOT immediate results. Lots of learning and listening and making mistakes! But SO worth the long term results.
It brought FREEDOM … what I always wanted and never thought was possible…freedom from food, freedom from thinking about it, feedom from looking at others.
That was my journey throught my entire 20’s (5-7 years of desperate struggle to manage my wieght and 3-5 years of learnign to work WITH my body and mind) and I am now 42 and have been the same wieght (minus 3 pregnacies) for over 12 years.
My friends tell me I am lucky and they “hate” me in the BEST possible way. I definitly feel blessed and grateful, because I HAVE been there. and freedom is wonderful. Of course I still have problems and issues. But it is great to use my thought life for WAY more important things than how many calories ihave eaten, or how I am going to “start” later.
I really am hoping to encourage you that you can do it (healthy body and mind) and remind you that your journey may take longer than you want it too. Hang in there!
This is so interesting, because I definitely obsess on and really focus ON food. Loved reading your comment.
Me too Cathy…only I say Nova Scotia!
I’ve written before and I totally agree with Stephanie, it’s my soapbox so I need to reply. 🙂
I think, no, I know that the moment you turn your focus away from food things will change.
I obsessed about food for most of my life, I fell asleep trying not to think about food(the pink elephant in the room) and I woke up thinking how I was going to get through the day and stay within my limits. I was bulimic and anorexic in my teens and twenties. Every day of my life I obsessed about my body and food.
And than I got hit with this neurological illness that now has me bedridden or in a wheelchair. I look back, often on my former life and cry about all that time I wasted being miserable about something so simple as food. I could have been happy, enjoying life being content with who I was but no, instead I chose to betray my body by litterally feeding the obsession, either starving myself or stuffing it and exercising obsessively.
Now when it doesn’t matter anymore, I see the truth. Listen to your body and have just one goal, to be healthy. That’s the most important thing, feeding yourself those foods your body craves to be healthy. Yes I lost the weight but at a great price. I tell every girl or woman I meet who is focussing on their weight that its not the way to reach your goal. Be healthy, care for your body wether that is at 100 or 200 pounds, it doesn’t matter. That’s just looks, what matter is that your body is running as a good oiled machine and its in great shape. When you loose that health, the ability/luxury to go where you want to go, do whatever you want to do, I tell you, nothing, really nothing about losing weight, really matters.
I learned to listen to my body, I have to if I want to stay alive. I need to be balanced, sometimes I crave sweet or salt than I now I need that and after I have eaten something I feel better. The craving will be gone. I’m not depriving myself of anything, if I want ice cream I take it. And the funny thing is that cravings almost totally stopped. In the earlier days I couldn’t stop to think about something I wasn’t allowed to have. But now I can have anything, it’s never on my mind.
Thanks for sharing this. : )
Kristi Sikora-Blankenship says
Cathy…. I am so glad I looked at your blog today (it has been a while). I am fighting hard to get back down to where both you and I had gotten…. as I do it (AGAIN), I cannot help but wonder, is this worth it?? But, I know it is because my kids watch me never give up. We eat healthier and we make so many better choices because of this never ending battle….. I always promise myself if I get back down (YET AGAIN), I will be a better person, never go up again, pray more, volunteer more, make a difference in the world…. and then, I seem to begin to float up again until my pants make it hard to breathe…. I guess reading this lets me know, it is NOT just me….. and, at the end of my time on earth, no matter where I am on my weight slide….. I will know I give it my all and encouraged my girls to make better choices each time they can.
I am still SO PROUD you stopped smoking.
Run hard, do the best you can, and embrace weight lifting…. THAT is what should help us go down and keep it off more once we get there… but that routine is the hardest for me to embrace.
Kristi (used to work at Cropper Hopper)
Hey Kristi, I guess I didnt know you were in the middle of the struggle side right now. I know youve been on this journey too.
I think of that all the time: is it worth it? Does it matter? And I guess I have to accept that I am not going to be a thin person. I can be of average weight, however. I can fit into the upper end of that cateogry and be healthier. I realize that my time is short, too. I am working towards making this far less of an issue and just doing what my body needs me to do. : ) Sending you a hug, mama!
Jamie B. says
I have read your blog for the longest but never commented before. You and I started weight loss at about the same time maybe 3 years ago..I went from 220 to 118. I started running half-marathons, and I have kept it off. I hope you find your way again because I know what a great feeling of accomplishment it is to lose that weight. And, I get these comments now like, you’re so skinny, or it must be nice to be so small, etc. People see me skinny and strong and think I have always been this way. They don’t know how much I literally work my ass off every single day and how many cookies I don’t eat when I really want to..lol! I am just saying it’s hard, but don’t give up.
Thats a lot of weight loss. Good for you for the hard work. I dont think I have numbers like that in my future, but Im really focused on being a whole lot healthier this year. : )