There are things I don’t always bring up with my therapist. Usually because a) I haven’t thought them through well enough, or b) I have thought them through and know that I’m pretty much full of shit and she’s going to see right through it. Usually, it’s the latter that keeps me from spending my 60+ minutes on those topics.
One of those topics is my issue with chub.
During my last session, I decided to bring it up and I’m so glad I did because I needed the reality check, even if her insight didn’t make me feel good. And that insight was: I keep my weight a problem on purpose.
Here’s how it shakes out:
I’m doing well in many areas of my life, specifically in my work and my relationships. The third area of my life is me. We call it the personal. When I am doing well in the other areas, I start to feel a little weird. I start to not feel very much like Cathy at all because the old Cathy is neurotic and finds all sorts of issues to focus on, albeit mostly in the relationship department.
But I’ve been working to make a lot of changes in the relationship area. I don’t throw fits anymore. I don’t yell. I’m working to be a more competent and caring mate, mother and friend. I work to understand the reasons why I have behaved irresponsibly in the past and what the consequences have been and continue to be.
Not to get all therapy’d up in your face but it’s a complicated process.
My therapist pointed out that I keep my weight a problem—gain it, lose it, gain it back, whine about it, write about it—because it makes me feel more normal. It gives me something to be a mess about because for me, handling all of my life like an adult is a little out of control. It’s so much easier to be a mess.
Further, she told me, “If you solved this problem, you wouldn’t be able to talk about it anymore.”
She told me I just looove to talk about my weight problem. And she would be correct.
She said I could solve this if I wanted to. I could make a conscious choice to walk through the door and stop this back and forth game that I play with my body and my life.
She gave me an example of how this could work by looking at my business. She asked, “Have you ever been unprofessional with a client?” I replied, “No, I haven’t.” She told me that’s because in my work life, I’ve made a decision to go through a door that says unprofessionalism will not be tolerated in any instance. Ever. I don’t get to go back through the door and act like an ass in my business.
But I go back and forth through the chub door like a waitress in a diner kitchen. The door barely closes before I’m back at it again, gaining, losing, gaining, whining and writing.
Last month, I issued an apology to my body. I meant every word I said but you should know that after I posted it, I started to eat everything in sight and logged a less than impressive step count for days on end. Instead of using it as a catalyst to not only love this body of mine, but to feed it well and give it what it actually needed, I just filled it with salt & vinegar chips, red wine and blue raspberry ICEES (though not necessarily at the same time.) I gained at least 8 pounds and let me tell you, on this menopausal body, it’s not coming off with a few salads and a walk.
This is not about swearing off red wine. Maybe it is a little about swearing off those ICEEs.
But it is about looking at the truth of what she told me. I’m keeping this a problem when I could solve it.
Like I said, her insight didn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy but it was what I needed to hear.
I’m looking at a door and trying to decide if I want to step through and stay there. I realize there will be more involved and that a few salads may actually factor in.
I suppose if I make the leap I’ll have to find something new to write about.
And maybe it would be something more focused on the positive. Imagine that.