First things first, yes… that is my actual skin tone.
No, I’m not completely transparent nor am I related to the Cullen clan in any way.
Yes, I strategically placed that foam roller in such as way as to complement the overall look and feel of this photo because my stomach may or may not be exposed just a tad too much for a family-friendly blog.
But the most important part about this photo? I am wearing exercise clothes and when I am wearing exercise clothes, you can safely assume that I am attempting to take care of myself.
And that, my friends, is something that was sorely lacking in the latter half of 2018. And the lack of self care was a completely conscious choice. There was no, “Whaaaa? Why can’t I bend over to tie my shoes with ease?”
I can tell you exactly why: cheap red wine and plenty of potato chips.
Plus inertia. It gets me every single time.
So in December, when my nurse practitioner had requested that I follow up on a higher than usual blood pressure reading from a routine exam in November, and when that number was still elevated, I had a moment right there in the Cub Foods pharmacy and it was something like this: oh, shit… the jig is up.
I knew the way I was feeding my 52-year-old body wasn’t ideal. I was just hoping I could get away with it for a little big longer. Junk food is fun! Cheap red wine and the accompanying buzz? Also not half bad. But the reality is this: I can’t continue to do that if I truly want better health and I’m here to tell you, I’d rather have better health than a wine and chip hangover. And so, I started yet again with trying to do better.
I have chronicled my story of self care for years, on and off, here in this space. It really began in earnest when I kicked my 25-year smoking habit to the curb in 2006 and realized that the parts of my brain that lit up for nicotine also would light up for sugar. It’s kind of par for the course when you have an addictive personality.
I have that personality.
However, it’s both a strength and a weakness. In 2019, I’m going to make it my strength by doing what I know I need to do. Shape up. Drop the junk. And improve the quality of my health. See, as I’m in this middle place of life, I am connecting more to the fact that I do not have unlimited time. I think that’s an obvious statement, but it’s hard to really take in. I’m working on taking it in because as soon as I do, I will actually make changes and do what I know is needed to be healthier and hopefully, live a longer life.
When I don’t do what is needed but say I want to be strong and healthy, then I am being incongruent. Incongruencies create internal discord and come out in all kinds of weird ways. Trust me. I have YEARS of experience with this for myself personally.
So when I say the jig is up, I am saying this to remind myself that one of my jobs is to do better for me. And so, I start again.
Will I finally solve the puzzle? Well, it’s not a puzzle that can be solved. It’s actually an ongoing process. That’s it. And it’s my job alone to do, and I believe I can handle it. Even if I am saying this for the zillionth time to myself, I keep trying. There is no shame in continuing to try.
And nothing like a new day at hand to have the opportunity.
Want to do better?. This is the attitude I bring to my students and to our classroom community. If it sounds like something you want to be a part of, join us! You can register any time from now until June 30, 2019.